Reset.

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I “started” this blog three years ago during my first year of grad school.  I was able to manage about one post per year during that time.  Considering that I was sleep-deprived, stressed out of my mind, and grateful when I was able to find time to brush my teeth, that was an achievement.  I’m so glad that period of my life drew to a close this past May.  I learned a great deal, and completing my master’s degree is probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever accomplished.  I lost myself more than a little in the process.  I’m not judging myself for it.  It was traumatic (really!) and I think I did great considering all that I went through.

My plan for several years was to go on to a PhD program this fall.  The Universe had a different plan for me.  I didn’t get into any of the programs I applied to.  Initially, I was deeply disappointed.  I was studying interior design with the goal of eventually teaching at a design school.  I had already worn myself out on the hamster wheel of production in the film and television business and I had no desire to trade that wheel for another in the architecture industry.  Sometimes we aren’t good at figuring out what we need the most.  After three intense years of a demanding master’s program in NYC, what I needed more than anything was a break.  A chance to sleep and breathe, time to get caught up on my personal life and think, sunshine and tranquility.  I needed a reset button.

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I started to think about things that I thought I would have to wait to do “someday”: get comfortable speaking Spanish (I’m conversational, but it was pretty limited and pretty much all in present tense);  learn how to surf; go to yoga teacher training.

Enter plan “B”.  With my mountain of loans in deferment and a small cushion of cash in my savings account, I decided to take a much-needed personal restoration sabbatical.  I tied up my loose ends, found a yoga school to go to in January, and bought a one-way ticket to Costa Rica.  The Universe has been kind to me.  Each day has been filled with grace.   The Spanish word “tranquila” has multiple meanings, pretty much all of which describe the feelings I have here in Costa Rica: quiet, still, smooth, calm, serene, tranquil, relaxed, easy, peaceful, unconcerned, collected, even-minded.  Costa Rica is my reset button and so far it’s working beautifully.

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What is a home?

That is a question I have thought about often.  I think there can be many answers to this question.  Home can be a feeling, a place, a memory…

I have moved many times – several of them coast to coast – and I’ve been left longing for a sense of belonging, a sense of “home”.  But I’ve also been afforded opportunities to start to discover a home within myself – a place of rest and acceptance, somewhere I feel safe and comfortable.

This home that I carry with me, I feel it in small moments, like this, sipping a cappuccino on a park bench, surrounded by plants, looking out over the water, with the sun warming my back:

When I think of it this way, suddenly I start thinking of all the places and moments I have felt at home… running along the California coast in Monterey in the late afternoon:

In this coffee shop in Los Angeles with free wifi, a quiet space upstairs, and a desk with a lamp where I could work undisturbed for hours:

Taking a this loaf of bread made from my mom’s recipe out of the oven, memories of my childhood rushing to my mind as the aroma enveloped me:

Home is so much bigger than the walls of a building, and at the same time it can be found in the smallest thing.  Each new place I discover home I find joy.  And just as I wrote that I was struck with a realization about that statement – because, you see, my middle name is Joy. 🙂

Starting Somewhere in the Middle

I don’t know where to start, or how exactly to make that start.  I’m starting this blog, but I’m somewhere in the middle of my story.  I’m pretty detail-oriented, so summarizing comes a little difficultly for me, but I’m going to give it a shot here.  I was married to my college sweetheart for six years and then in the course of a couple of weeks I lost my job, had what can only be described as a breakup with my therapist, and was left by my husband.

And then my life began.

Tender shoots of hope and joy sprung forth from the barren sorrow in my heart, dreams began taking shape, and I felt like my wings began unfolding.

The figurine in the picture was a gift from my mom.  When my husband left, it was hanging in my kitchen and now she graces a window in my bedroom.  Inscribed on one of her wings is a quote from Helen Keller – “One cannot consent to crawl when one feels an impulse to soar”.

I did it!

I’ve been playing with the idea of starting a blog for several years now.  The excuse for not doing it was generally “I’m too busy”.  And man, I AM busy.  BUT, I keep thinking about blogging.  I want to share what I’m doing, and share my story of how I got here.  I want to write and share photos and art and designs.  I want to share my life, and I want to inspire and encourage you, whoever you are, the person that is reading my blog.  So here I am.  I hope you enjoy it.